Bullies

I've been a little fascinated as of late by a recent article I read online about two girls in Florida, ages 12 and 14, who were arrested for stalking and harassing (cyber bullying) another 14 year old girl, who committed suicide last month. A part of me wants to pump my fist in the air and yell, "yeah! arrest all the bullies and put them all in jail!" But, I realize that that part of me is the 14 year old Robyn who was bullied. I often forget about the 12 year old Robyn who was the bully.

I'm sure my story is not that different from most people's tales of teenage-woe. When I was in middle school, I was desperate to be popular. Apparently someone cooler than me thought it was funny when I picked on this girl in my gym class, so I persisted on picking on her. It was a horrible thing to do to someone, and a large part of me wishes I could find her and apologize. Even now, 18 years later, I still feel bad for the way I treated that girl. And I feel even worse knowing that I did it so I would be accepted by another group of people.

But I guess in the end, I got what was owed to me. During the summer between eight grade and ninth grade, I fell (madly) in love with a band (three brothers, from Oklahoma, sing a catchy tune called MMMBop), and when I started high school the following fall I was determined to not let the haters stop me from liking this band. I proclaimed my love for this band through t-shirts and other, probably obnoxious, signs of affection. And, as a result, I was mercilessly bullied. For starters, all the "friends" I tried so hard to get in middle school (those popular girls who dressed better than me) would no longer talk to me. I sat by myself at lunch and in class. I could probably count the number of people I remained friends with on one hand. Plus, on top of losing my friends, certain boys in my grade began harassing me. It probably started with name calling, but I distinctly remember a time when the harassment became physical and they started pushing me around. By this time, my stubbornness had fully set in. I was going to love this band, wear my t-shirts, and just be lonely if that's what the consequences were. Needless to say, ninth grade was a rough time for me.

Being both a bully and bullied have been defining moments in my life. For one, I know first hand the uselessness of pushing people around. Nothing is accomplished and in the end you are going to feel horrible for your actions. Secondly, I also know how it feels to be disliked simply for having a different opinion than the majority. The bottom line of both experiences is that allowing the majority of voices to dictate your actions is never the right choice to make. If people are your friend because you pick on someone else, then those people are not good friends for you. And if people don't like you because you won't toe the line with what they think is cool or popular, than those people are not good friends for you either.

In the end, I learned that you should always choose to act in a way that you, and only you, can be accountable for later. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I have to live with the knowledge of my bad behavior, but I also get to live with the knowledge that I didn't stop liking my favorite band just because somebody said they were "uncool." If those girls in Florida really did what they are accused of, they are going to have to live with the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives. And, while this whole story is horrendously tragic, this may ultimately be the biggest lesson in those girls' lives. From here on out, they may choose to be accountable for their behavior, and the benefits of those choices may end up benefiting us all.

9/11/13

I feel the need to repost this. It's my journal entry from 9/11/01, complete with spelling errors.

"*SEPTEMBER 11, 2001*
I have witnessed the Pearl Harbor of my generation. This morning I did not wake up in the same world I went to sleep in. This morning some undisclosed attacker hijacked four American planes. One was crashed north of Pittsburgh, the other into the Pentagon, and the other two into the World Trade Center. Anywhere from 100-800 people died in the Pentagon. 266 in the airplanes alone. The worst was in NY. The twin towers collapsed. They were hit and twenty minutes later they imploded onto themselves. The magnitude of this hasn't hit me. 50,000 people worked in that building. No one knows how many are dead. Our country shut down today. All air traffic was stopped. All airports and cities evacuated. French [class] was cancelled today because [my professor] couldn't teach. He knew people who worked in the World Trade Center. I got online and [my boyfriend] is freaking out that he's gonna get drafted. He said he was going to Mexico if that happened. He said he'd take me with him. This is too real. Too real. My biggest fear is that it will escalate. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and things be worse. I could hardly concentrate on school today. So I'm getting really behind which pisses me off. Stresses me out. [My roommate] and I went to fill our tanks and it was $1.99 a gallon. Ridiculous. Then we couldn't find a parking space and I was talking to [my boyfriend] on the phone and I became very depressed all of a sudden. I was almost in tears. [My boyfriend] said that he was upset that he couldn't always make me happy. I told him I felt the same way."

Royal Baby Fever

A small part of me is a bit obsessed with celebratory culture. It's not so much an obsession as a fun way to pass some time at work. Though, until recently, I have not cared one bit for the British royal family and all the headlines they make. Mostly I don't think that having a royal family is really something to be proud of, and I find the amount of attention paid to the royal family to be off putting. The media isn't just following them around, they are also reporting and speculating on anything they could or might do all because they were born into a particular family. At least American celebrities have to pretend to act or sing to warrant a camera crew entourage. Well, at least for the most part.

But, for some reason, I watched the live feed from London for five hours waiting for Kate and William to emerge with their new baby, the future king of England. I was glued to the screen. After the reveal was finally made, I asked myself why I had done that. What was the draw? I thought about it for awhile and then came up with a reasonable conclusion. Funny thing is when I told my mom this story, she instantly knew why I was hooked. "It's because they are your age," she told me. That's a part of why I was so enthralled with anything and everything royal baby. It's exciting to watch someone who could be a peer start on this adventure, knowing that it might not be that far down the road for me. But there was something else to my obsession as well. It wasn't just that Will and Kate are my age, it was also nice to see two people my age acting appropriately. American celebrities are made and destroyed by the height and severity of their scandals. And, unfortunately, these individuals serve as role models, not just telling people how to act but also informing them on what they can get away with. I think this is a huge disservice. There is a benefit to being polite, to thinking before you speak, to treating people with respect. There is a benefit to conducting yourself in an honorable way so that you can be proud of your actions rather then full of regrets. There is a benefit to taking ownership for your problems and not blaming others. And there is a benefit to doing something with your life to improve others, rather than just make and spend money. Maybe the idea of a royal family is still off putting to me but, at the end of the day, I appreciate the way they choose to present themselves. Even if it is all scripted and fake, at least it is better then a fake and scripted American celebrity culture littered with court appearances, rehab centers, and sex tapes.

SCOTUS, DOMA, and more fun acronyms.

This morning, the first thing I did was check supremecourt.gov to see if the Court has issued its opinion on the constitutionality of DOMA. And, while quickly skimming through the opinion for the final holding, my heart was pounding. When I finally read the words that the Court had found DOMA to be unconstitutional as a violation of the 5th Amendment, I almost started to cry. I was so happy, relived, and excited.

Then I sat back and thought about why I was feeling this way. I'm not a homosexual American seeking federal recognition of my state-permitted marriage. I'm a straight woman who is marrying a straight man next April. Why should I care? Well, there's the easy answer that I have friends who are gay and I'm excited that their civil rights have been expanded. But there was another, deeper reason for my elation and I think it is rooted in my die-hard patriotism.

I love America. It is my home. But, like a parents' love for their imperfect children, I also recognize that America is not ideal. I, however, truly believe that the greatness of this country rests on its ability to think of itself as awesome. Every American has a tiny seed of "F you!" in them and when that seed gets used for good, instead of evil, it is a truly remarkable thing.

I "became of age" during the Bush years. It was depressing. I was full of youthful vigor, ready to change the world, and all I saw around me was this county I love slipping back into barbarianism. Everyone was looking out for number one, corporations were the true political power, and the poor and down trodden be damned. We were sinking. We were still a country, but we had forgotten how to be a community.

In any event, I started to become cynical. I didn't think there was any way America could get back on the path of awesomeness. That all those tiny seeds of "F you!" had withered away and were replaced with hatred and ignorance. The America I had always thought was rebellious, riding its roaring motorcycle into the scientific/democratic/accepting future, had become overwhelmingly submissive.

But, in the past few years, I have seen the greater good triumph over political power. And today's Supreme Court decision was one of those moments.  A group of people who were denied certain rights were given those rights back. Their tiny "F you!" seed was held safe instead of thrown to the wind. This is a good day for America, my friends. I think we're back on the path of awesomeness, slowly but sure enough.

Rain

Tropical Storm Andrea is slowly making its way up the East Coast. In the D.C. area, we're expecting steady rain all day and temperatures in the mid-70s. The rain started last night. I'm a rain junkie. In Oklahoma, it rained alot, mostly in the form of thunder storms. Here it rains slow and steady. Growing up I use to listen to the rain, waiting for the dreaded moment when it would stop. Here, it just keeps on going, especially when the cause is something big like a hurricane or tropical storm. So, needless to say, I indulged in it. Last night I opened the window, make corn chowder, and read Stephen King's The Stand until I fell asleep with both the light and my glasses on. This morning I got up at 6:30 and kept on reading, this time with a cup of coffee, till 9:00 when I decided I actually had to go to work. But, I must admit that I'm just sitting at my desk watching the rain, wishing I could get away with closing my office door and finishing my book.

Going meatless.

I am a creature of habit. My finance, on the hand, is a creature of habit wannabe. He really wants to have regular routines, but he is a magpie. He is constantly researching and trying new things to improve his life. Sometimes, I'll admit, he researches himself out of doing anything useful, but it is endearing to know that he is always expanding his perspective and trying new things.

Now, with my tendency to not fluctuate from my routine and my finance's desire to figure out just what his routine will be, we often fall into this pattern: finance reads some new research on a topic, we decide to try it out, and then I stick to it longer than he does because he's on to something else. Our most recent endeavor, and one we've been pretty good at (with some obvious concessions), has been going meatless.

Question No. 1: Is this about animal welfare? Well, to a degree, yes. I'm both an animal lover and a born and bred meat eater. When I was about eight my family drove from Oklahoma to Colorado. On the way, there was no shortage of herds of cattle lining the highways. I remember thinking as a kid, "Well, they don't serve any other purpose. We might as well eat them." While logical to the point of annoyance, I might have also been somewhat of a heartless kid. I suppose I told myself growing up that some animals were meant to be pets, some were pests, and some were food. Though, when I really think about that now, it seems strange. If we're going to eat meat, why not eat any meat? And if we balk at the idea of eating a certain type of meat, what have we told ourselves to convince ourselves that eating one meat rather than another is okay? It's an interesting question and one I've not completely answered.

Question No. 2: Is this for health reasons? Um, I guess. But not for the reasons you might think. There's a lot of research going around about red meat, good fat, bad fat, blah blah blah. In college, I was a psychology major. The first lesson about psychology is that it is not a "hard" science, meaning that there are no "laws of psychology" like there are in physics or chemistry. Nothing is quite written in stone. So, the most important skill I took away from my psychology degree was how to decipher research. Now I can't read anything about new research without asking all the annoying questions a scientist would. Does the data actually say anything about the variables? Is there any correlation? Is the sample size large enough? What if there's a third, unknown, variable? What are the results not telling us? For that reason, I tend to disregard nutritional studies. Not because they are "soft" science, but because they are often reported based on the headline rather than what the data actually shows. So, as far as the health effects of vegetarianism go, I can't rely on all the typical reasons people think they should give up meat. No, for me it is something else. I recognize that health and nutrition are unique to every person. You have to experiment with different foods to find the right balance for you. My finance refers to it as, "If the Aliens Came and Put Us All in a Zoo, What Would They Feed Us?" For me, not eating meat just works for my body.

This experiment began mid-May. Over Memorial Day Weekend, my finance and I did eat meat (hamburgers, hot dogs, maybe I bag of pepperoni pizza rolls). And last Friday I had sushi. But, other than that we have been sticking to our guns on this one. Here's our findings thus far:

(1) Losing weight. When we stick to mostly veggies and fruit and not wheat-based carbohydrates, we lose even more weight.

(2) Better sleep. Our thought is that veggies are easier to digest and we are not having to work so hard to digest meat while sleeping.

(3) More energy. See (2) above.

(4) It is not as hard as we thought. We both love Asian food and all Asian cuisine is more than happy to make your food without meat. We indulge in pizza with mushrooms and olives. Plus, with the warmer weather, fruits and veggies are perfectly in season and delicious. We're ready for this!

(5) We will clean up our diet once we transition. A lot of people who take up vegetarianism initially go the route we are: eating pizza, pasta, etc. We understand that this is the transition stage and we plan on moving out of it as soon as we are weaned off meat. One step at a time!

Well, I suppose I should get back to work. Because, honestly, I cannot bill for this.

Walking

A few years ago, the finance and I watched a documentary on John Muir. The man is fascinating. What stuck with us was how he would go for long, long walks that would last for days. The finance and I have often been inspired to make an epic trek. We've gone a few miles, but nothing that quite lasts for days.

Well, this morning I decided to go into the office. And I decided to walk there. It was awesome. I had my music on, cool weather, stopped for coffee on the way. Total was 4.12 miles and took me a little over an hour. I walked to the rhythm of the music playing and made up little poems in my head that matched the beat of my feet on the sidewalk.

Nothing quite so head-clearing as a good walk. Nothing like it.

Another strange dream...

While about 97% of the time I'm the most practical person you will ever meet, there is always a small part of me that believes in almost magical things. My childhood was spent mostly in the fantasy land of my brain, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I still believe in magic and deeper meanings in everyday occurrences. One thing I take seriously are my dreams. Especially when they are vivid and stick with me. I've already written in this blog about a strange dream I had recently. Well, last night I had another.

I dreamt that I was in a bar. A lonely, quiet bar with plush red velvet seats. I was the only person there other than the bartender, who was friendly. I knew, in the dream, that the bartender and I were friends, but only in the context of the bar. I remember sitting in one of the velvet seats, drinking whatever concoction the friendly bar tender had made for me. I also remember being incredibly depressed. Almost hopeless. The bartender was asking me what was wrong. And I told him how unhappy I was with my job, and I wasn't sure if things were ever going to get better. I'm assuming, from what happened next in my dream, that before being at the bar I was given the opportunity to go back to school. While at the bar, the bartender was trying to cheer me up with that news. He asked me what I was going to study when I went back to school. I told him I wasn't sure, and then I thought about it for awhile. Then I told him that I was going to go back and study to be a teacher. In my dream, the idea of doing this was very exciting and lifted my mood.

I remembered this dream in a rush as I was driving to work today, feeling down and a bit hopeless. Do I love my job? No. Do I think I will someday love my job? I can't honestly say yes or no. Do I think I would be happier doing something else? Maybe. It's been almost six years since I decided to go to law school. In 2007 I took the LSAT. I started my first year in 2008. I graduated in 2011 and took the bar exam that summer. I was sworn in in December 2011. I got my current job May 2012. And here we are. It's been a long road. And maybe I had blinders on during the process. Maybe I was just so focused on getting to this point, that I never considered if I wanted to get to this point.

Though, in the spirit of magical thinking and deeper meanings in every day occurrences, I have to trust that I am here for a reason. It's just that I haven't quite found my place in this world. At least not just quite yet.

To Parents of Children (especially daughters) Who Have Read Twilight

I'm a fan of books. All books. Good books, bad books, long books, short books, books with pictures, books with big words. I'm of the belief that any type of communicative medium we expose our minds to is an opportunity to consider what we think about it and evaluate how it fits into our view of the world. This analysis gives you not only a better idea of how your own brain works, but also insight into how others' brains work and how all those brains work together in this thing we call "society." Teaching people how to analyze what they encounter is, in my belief, the most important tool we can impart because it allows the learner to become truly independent and, hopefully, self-evolved.

So, to get down to the point of this post, I must first confess that I recently read the Twilight series. Now, this isn't anything too outside my realm of interests. I'm an avid reader and have rather enjoyed several young adult books, including The Hunger Games, a few of the Harry Potters, and several books written by AVI, Lois Lowery, and David Levithan. So my beef with Twilight has nothing to do with its intended audience. I also don't mind vampires, werewolves, and the like. I'm also not hating on it because it has a massive following of die hard fans.

My problem with Twilight is the message it sends to readers, particularly young female readers, about relationships. After all the media hype about "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob", the entire time I was reading the series I was asking myself, "What about Team Bella?" Why isn't her own life a third, and possibly better, option then living with a werewolf or becoming a vampire? I'm well aware that the book is suppose to convey a message about fate and love and the idea that no matter what you are meant to be with one person forever and ever and ever. Fine, that's a literary device that has been used for centuries. But, in my opinion, such a device is cheap and easy and goes way too far in justifying how Bella is treated by the boys vying for her attention.

No matter how many times Edward tells Bella that he loves her, these words do not make up for the fact that he is an abusive partner. Bella and Edward are in an abusive relationship. Consider this: he keeps her from her other friends, he abandons her, he's mean to her other friends, he stalks her, he marries her at a ridiculously young age against her wishes, he won't let her out of his sight, and, in the throes of his alleged love for her, he physically harms her, repeatedly. This series is not only telling young readers that such relationships are okay, but that they are actually the best thing ever and worth losing everything for. And, to top it off, Bella's own self-esteem dwindles as the books go on. And what does Bella get out of this relationship and lack of self-esteem? She gets to be the hero.

As I indicated in the beginning of this post, I'm a fan of books. I will always support books and avid readers. But, I also think its important to not take all books at face value. To that end, if you are a parent of a child who has read Twilight, I'm imploring you to sit down with your child and discuss the themes in the book. Talk about Bella and Edward's relationship. Talk about what your child expects from a relationship. Talk about if what happens in the books is a good thing or a bad thing. And use this opportunity to tell your child what you think a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, acts like.

We have to stop telling girls that the biggest choice in their life is choosing between Boy A and Boy B. Sometimes a girl needs to choose the Girl.

Strange Dreams

I really won't be able to get any work done today until I write about this. I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamt that my finance went to the hospital to ask to be euthanized. It sounds strange even typing it. Of course, in my dream, I went to the hospital to try to talk him out of it. His rationale, in the dream, was that he was already suffering from some minor medical ailment (something like arthritis or the flu) and he figured that he was just getting older and things would just get worse so he should just end it now. I was frantic trying to convince him to not kill himself, that I was worth staying alive for, that life was worth staying alive for, that we were going to get married and all that, but nothing convinced him. Then there was a period of darkness in my dream. In the next scene I was in a house, and I knew that he was gone. And then, out of nowhere, he showed up. He hadn't gone through with it after all. And, while I was happy that he hadn't, part of me was still upset that he would want to in the first place. Then I woke up. And then I emailed my finance and told him to be safe today. He said he would.

To answer the question, no.

For starters, I should tell you the story about the creation of this blog. I'm an attorney. A young one. I'm not necessarily a young person, but I am a young attorney. This designation will, sometimes, lead to very strange requests from more senior attorneys in my firm. A few weeks ago, one of said senior attorneys called me on my cell phone because he was in his car outside the parking garage and didn't have his access card to get in. He asked me to go to my car, get my access card, go outside, and let him in to the garage. I didn't mind doing this. I like the guy I work for. But, I did come back to my desk and ask the age-old, young attorney question, "Can I bill for this?"

This blog in no way will be about billing, or the law, or being a young associate. Well, things might allude to those topics, but I can't guarantee that there will be any single focus of this blog. I guess if I were to sum up the point of this blog it would be this: I often find myself at work, knowing that I should be working so that I can bill, but my mind is just not in it. I'm hoping that this blog might serve as an outlet for my mind, give me something to distract myself so I can get back to work. Plus, from the casual observer, blogging at my desk looks something like working at my desk.

While I don't intend for anyone else to find this blog or much less read it, if you do happen across it, enjoy!