I've been a little fascinated as of late by a recent article I read online about two girls in Florida, ages 12 and 14, who were arrested for stalking and harassing (cyber bullying) another 14 year old girl, who committed suicide last month. A part of me wants to pump my fist in the air and yell, "yeah! arrest all the bullies and put them all in jail!" But, I realize that that part of me is the 14 year old Robyn who was bullied. I often forget about the 12 year old Robyn who was the bully.
I'm sure my story is not that different from most people's tales of teenage-woe. When I was in middle school, I was desperate to be popular. Apparently someone cooler than me thought it was funny when I picked on this girl in my gym class, so I persisted on picking on her. It was a horrible thing to do to someone, and a large part of me wishes I could find her and apologize. Even now, 18 years later, I still feel bad for the way I treated that girl. And I feel even worse knowing that I did it so I would be accepted by another group of people.
But I guess in the end, I got what was owed to me. During the summer between eight grade and ninth grade, I fell (madly) in love with a band (three brothers, from Oklahoma, sing a catchy tune called MMMBop), and when I started high school the following fall I was determined to not let the haters stop me from liking this band. I proclaimed my love for this band through t-shirts and other, probably obnoxious, signs of affection. And, as a result, I was mercilessly bullied. For starters, all the "friends" I tried so hard to get in middle school (those popular girls who dressed better than me) would no longer talk to me. I sat by myself at lunch and in class. I could probably count the number of people I remained friends with on one hand. Plus, on top of losing my friends, certain boys in my grade began harassing me. It probably started with name calling, but I distinctly remember a time when the harassment became physical and they started pushing me around. By this time, my stubbornness had fully set in. I was going to love this band, wear my t-shirts, and just be lonely if that's what the consequences were. Needless to say, ninth grade was a rough time for me.
Being both a bully and bullied have been defining moments in my life. For one, I know first hand the uselessness of pushing people around. Nothing is accomplished and in the end you are going to feel horrible for your actions. Secondly, I also know how it feels to be disliked simply for having a different opinion than the majority. The bottom line of both experiences is that allowing the majority of voices to dictate your actions is never the right choice to make. If people are your friend because you pick on someone else, then those people are not good friends for you. And if people don't like you because you won't toe the line with what they think is cool or popular, than those people are not good friends for you either.
In the end, I learned that you should always choose to act in a way that you, and only you, can be accountable for later. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I have to live with the knowledge of my bad behavior, but I also get to live with the knowledge that I didn't stop liking my favorite band just because somebody said they were "uncool." If those girls in Florida really did what they are accused of, they are going to have to live with the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives. And, while this whole story is horrendously tragic, this may ultimately be the biggest lesson in those girls' lives. From here on out, they may choose to be accountable for their behavior, and the benefits of those choices may end up benefiting us all.
